I'm
avoiding cutting my documentary. I'm sitting here staring at the
miniDV tapes and my Final Cut Pro 5 book just totally not dealing
with it. Last night after softball I was sitting in the bar talking
and not drinking, and somebody goes, "How's your documentary
going?" and I launched into a thousand reasons for why I wasn't
cutting it, and found that I was starting each sentence with "I'm
scared that...". Like I'm scared that it won't cut together
well because I didn't get the right shots; I'm scared that I'll
import and log everything and Final Cut (or I) will fuck up and
lose everything; I'm scared it will suck. So at least my real feelings
are easily accessible.
===
Here's
an obituary I found amongst my papers the other day when I was attempting
to clean my office. (Normally I do everything humanly possible to
avoid cleaning said space, so papers and videotapes and cords and
CDs and DVDs are everywhere and there's this one little channel
up the middle with keyboard, mouse, monitor, and it's pretty ridiculous.
But Gray and I will be sharing it in a couple months
so I was forced to clean.) The obit is for Medora Apperson Gruber
Hastings, who died on February 18th. (Office doubles as a time capsule.)
"Passed on February 18, 2006, after spending 90 days in the
hospital. She was 92 years old. Medora was born in Minneapolis on
January 1, 1914. Her father was George J. Gruber and her mother
was Geraldine Owen Gruber. I am Medora's brother, Owen Marshall
Gruber. I miss my dear sister greatly, after being with her for
88 years." Then, "My dear sister was very talented. She
played the piano and was a beautiful ballet dancer who danced at
the Hollywood Bowl in the 1930's. She worked at Douglas Aircraft
in Santa Monica for 10 years." And, "What a wonderful
Lady my sister was! She loved animals. She always had a doggie or
two. She also loved her home and her flowers. She loved her wonderful
neighbors. On November 20, 2005, my wife Barbara and I took Medora
to the hospital. She was there for three months, never able to return
to her beloved home and her doggies. It is so sad, it makes you
want to cry."
And
that's the end. Not to be a downer or anything. I applaud Owen for
telling it like it is, though. Medora's end-scenario sucks pretty
bad. On the other hand, a person could do worse than having 91 presumably
good years of life.
Maybe
that's another reason I'm hesitating to begin the edit. Not to make
Medora's life and death all about me or anything. The documentary's
about old people, you know. Do I want to revisit all the nursing
home footage? I mean the subject's uplifting, but the undercurrent
of those places is total institutional despair no matter how you
slice it. Maybe that's what's stopping me. Hm. Thank you for letting
me explore my neuroses publicly.
===
And
how I have to go get poked with a whole bunch of needles and also
weighed, my two favorite activities. I think it's entirely plausible
that a 12 cm. 4 oz. fetus could make me gain 10 pounds, don't you?
(The sad and scary thing is, I hope it's ONLY ten pounds.)
