October 3 , 2002
12:23pm Thursday

I'VE COME TO WISH YOU AN UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY

I'm a total birthday crumudgeon. It's just one year closer to death, if you ask me, a concrete year-point marker letting you know what you haven't accomplished and how far you are behind. But even though I'm always sour, people still manage to be nice to me and buy me things and drop by to say hello and take me out to lunch. Thank you, nice people, you make it not so heinous.

This is my birthday pile. The card on top's my favorite. Gray said, "Paul drew it."

I got this, and this for my birthday.

I gained forty pounds eating my birthday dinner last night and it was definitely worth it. Gray and I sat around playing the Bust-A-Move Playstation bubble game for awhile saying, "What do you want for dinner?", "I don't know, what do you want for dinner?" around and around until it became clear that we a) wanted super fatty fried foods but b) didn't want anything typically conventional like c) McDonalds, Kentucky Fried Chicken, or Taco Bell. So we went to Vons, and we bought this:

The ice cream pie on the right and the pizza on the left were lunchtime leftovers, but everything in the middle was fresh, new, and delectable. And right now, twenty-four hours later, I have an ache in my abdomen so bad I stoop when I walk. This junk clogged me up, man. But still it was worth it.

Then I did this:

Well, "did" isn't an accurate word, what am I saying. Watched passively as dumb actress/model/whatevers fell over themselves for a southern drawl and a rose. I liked it when his voice cracked on the last bimbo's name. That's real life!

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This, from today's Reporter:

"Riley Smith ('Eight Legged Freaks') has been added to the cast of Revolution Studios' 'Radio' for director Mike Tollin. He will play Jimmy Helton, a high school football star jealous of the attention his coach (Ed Harris) is giving to a mentally challenged man he has befriended (Cuba Gooding, Jr.)"

Cuba. Cuba! Don't do it, man. Did you see "The Other Sister"? Nobody else did either. Or the Sean Penn thing. If they did it was only to hear the Aimee Mann/Michael Penn song. We know you want another Oscar, and I'm guessing your agent slipped you the script right before he went into rehab, but this isn't the way and it's not too late. Don't do it. Please. For me. It's my birthday.