I'm
tempted to make an essay out of all the phrases people have used
while searching to come here in the last week. I remember a Depeche
Mode contest when I was in college that was like, "Use all
of the song titles in the new album in an essay and win a prize!"
I promise you mine wasn't good. But I bet we could get a decent
one out of these searches, albeit heavily based on a plastic surgery
theme.
patrick
dempsey plastic surgery (the #1 all-time search winner on this site)
kellie pickler
alex p keaton
roma downey plastic surgery
artichoke plant
joe millionaire
pixar
bow wow
hgtv's house hunter's suzanne wong
roma downey and plastic surgery
how to use a window punch (?)
dogs with diareeah (!)
cinemax hotel erotica (nice)
patrick dempsey plastic surgery? (apparently a question mark makes
a difference)
john cabot zinn
filipino shrimp crackers (yuck)
ally walker
jake gyllenhaal naked in jarhead
But
what would be even more interesting than an essay would be a big
photo collage of all these images. I feel an art project coming
on.
===
Beans
got some professional training today because he's more than a little
bad. "He's such a teenager!" the trainer yelled. And now
my hands smell like hot dogs, because that was the treat of choice
used to whip our young rebel into shape. Now he's passed out on
the floor from mental exhaustion, temporarily unavailable for barking,
stealing food and utensils off the kitchen counter, chewing bath
mats and shoes, running out the door to eat cat poop on the neighbor's
lawn, and wreaking general havoc across the land.
===
Today
I was going to buy tickets to see BT at the Anaheim House of Blues
because I've wanted to see BT forever, but then I read several articles
on why it might not be a good idea to subject a fetus to high decibles
at concerts after the 22nd week. So I guess that's out. Supposedly
they can hear low noises, and mostly the host mom's voice because
the amniotic fluid acts as an amplifier. Gray said, "You better
stop yelling 'fuck!' all the time." I have a nice reputation
around here.
===
So
I'm trying to set up the baby's whole living arena in an organic
a way as possible, right, and it's expensive. From the food I put
in me to the paint we chose for the nursery (zero-VOC brand, me
not painting it) to the crib mattress we'll buy... it's all a little
much. I'll keep doing it because The
Complete Organic Pregnancy really makes a case for it, but now
I'm wondering how much my friends and my mom's friends (who are
probably so happy she's finally joining their grandparents' club
that they'll hand over family heirlooms) are going to want to buy
us organic baby presents. When I was at Babies R Us on Friday oogling
baby bedding with my friend who has three kids, I was like Wait
a minute. If I'm getting an organic mattress it doesn't make sense
to buy baby bedding filled with flame retardants and PCBEs. So now
there seems to be only one cute choice for organic baby bedding,
and dang is it expensive.
No whisky, no bologna, getting called fat, and now sitting squarely
in the poorhouse. What have we done?
===
Going
to SF soon. Gray's speaking at a college and I'm interviewing a
phobia specialist for documentary #2. And in the interest of having
one of these "babymoons" that everybody says we should
have while we still can, I got us a room in Half Moon Bay that not
only faces the ocean, but has a giant jacuzzi tub (please god let
it not have caked black hair around the drain) and a fireplace and
perhaps most importantly a big free breakfast in the morning. But
that's just the fat talking. Wait until I get in the tub with the
fire and then other parts of me will talk. That is, if cinemax hotel
erotica and jake gyllenhaal naked in jarhead and some dogs with
diareeah are involved.
===
I
wish I had a comments feature (I'm so 2002 retro here) so that I
could ask what everybody's biggest phobia is or was in their life
and how you did or didn't conquer it. My favorite is how Gray's
mom used to handle his fears when he was a little kid -- she'd take
him to the back of the supermarket in the alley and find a trash
can and tell him to throw his fears away. And he says it worked.
If only it were so easy in adulthood. "I just got back from
the dumpster at Safeway and now I can get on a plane!" I bet
it works for Kellie Pickler.
